I was so close to telling my oldest sister about me, but in the end my dad showed up and I had to stop.

I was just somewhat surprised since she was always the one that yelled at me, or called me a failure. I was so hoping to get it out, I mean, she would be the first family member I would have told.

Every so often I get these little bursts of confidence, and I feel like i could do anything, even tell my parents about being trans, but as soon as I get ready to say it, my throat tightens and I feel as helpless as ever. Why is this? This is who I am isn't it? So why is it so goddamn hard to be myself?

Sigh, sometimes I hate life. I can't help but be afraid of what might come as I age. I mean, what will it be like to be fifty and to have transitioned? Man, all this uncertainty makes me question myself, its not a good feeling.

Current Mood: aggravated

For a long time I had always been scared to death of telling my family about being FTM, I never, in my entire life imagined that I would tell nearly all of Seattle's GBLT community that over the loud speaker.

Last week was Queer Fest and the annual Gay pride parade. During Queer fest, the announcer was asking where everyone had come from. Several people punched out stuff like Bothell, Olympia, Kirkland, and even a different state, and, trying to be funny, my friends yelled out Canada and pushed me forewards. Well of course I can't really say I came down from Canada because I don't live there anymore, but I was forced to go with it and told them I was from Edmonton Alberta.

Before I knew it the announcer asked me what I identified as, and I'm not sure why, since its been so hard even to tell one person, transexual just slipped out of my mouth. At that very moment, I had told hundreds of people I didn't even know that I was FTM. I was rather shocked with that and walked away from the stage embarrassed and angry at my friends for throwing me up there. But after a while I began to feel proud of myself, and rather excited about having come out in such a "spectacular" way.

While I am rather pleased with what I did and consider myself to be "officially" out, I still ahve yet to tell the rest of my family, which is a task much unlike what I did last weekend. I am dreading it, coming out to a family that is half extremely conservative and traditional. I wonder what my grandmother will think, what my relatives will think when the news floats their way.

There are moments when I feel so sure about myself, so sure that I could go up and just say it to them, but then it vanishes in a flash, and I don't know why.

Thinking about it and doing it are two different things.

Current Location: Computer
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: DJ RYLE

Just yesterday, while standing outside in the apartment complex's parking lot, I came out to one of my friends.

But what really shocked me is why I chose her. We've never had much in common, however I felt a sense of understanding between us, no matter how often we tend to fight or speak badly about eachother.

I always seem to think things will be worse than they really are, because she recieved it pretty well, infact I couldn't have hoped for a better outcome. Its helped me realize that facing my parents may not be as scary as I first thought. I feel like 50lbs has just been lifted off of my back, and I'm feeling a little more open about it.

I've already made plans to tell one more person this next weekend. Not sure why, but I feel the need to talk about it with atleast one guy. The reasons that made me choose him are kinda sad, since he would be the only one that would understand. The others would just freak out and act like I had some contagious disease. I've still got that one boy trying to convince me that all I need is god, and that the only thing women really need to be happy is a husband and a coupld dozen children.

So after looking at my choices, he was the only one left. I've only known him for a little while, but I feel like we may have a good connection, atleast, I hope we do.

Anywaysm I intend to tell him when me and my other friend (the on I told first) go to see him at his drag show this weekend. I'm gonna try a little experiment and see how well I can pass as a boy when I'm dealing with people that don't know me.

Wish me luck, both on telling him and my experiment.

Current Location: living room floor
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: Amduscia

There are like, five earwigs crawling out of my pillow.

I don't think I'm gonna be sleeping here tonight.

Current Location: on my bed
Current Mood: slightly freaked out
Current Music: Trocadero

"This shit", meaning Highschool. In my opinion, its rather hard to try passing while you're still in that age group, and it will still be a long while till I can take any steps after that.

If I had to explain what highschool life was like for someone in my position, I think the movie Battle Royale sums it up pretty well. I'm being eaten alive as it is, and having a rather long history of anxiety and mild to severe depression, I'm really not sure how much more "pressure" from others I could take.

Everyday I hear, "don't worry about it", or "ignore it, it only matters if you let it". Well I think all of that is a little easier said than done. Anyone can say a couple words, its another thing entirely to act upon them, atleast for me.

There seems to be so many reasons why I can't get into really being an FTM right now, and in a sense, its driving me crazy. Sometimes I wonder how long I can remain living as a girl. Right now, all I can really do, is think about all the good things that come from it, like dancing in the Korean Dance Troupe I'm in, and being able to sing. But sometimes its not enough.

Everyday I'm faced with things that make me wish I would age faster. I'm still only 16 (incase anyone was interested) which again, means I can't take any major steps right now, which is a dissapointment because there are several things that it seems only girls have trouble with. 1. Some dumb ass classmate who keeps "stalking" me and trying to get me to go out with him. 2. Having breasts, in my opinion sucks. They feel almost more out of place than anything else. Like two tumors or hideous growths, sticking out at odd angles. They make me feel like some kind of alien creature.

So as I'm sitting here, eating chocolate, watching red vs blue, and writing away, I can't help but imagine what my life will be like years from now after I've really begun identifying as male. Where will I live? What will I look like? What will my new name be?
You know, all the usual questions. Still, while I am greatly anticipating becoming a "whole person" I am still very much afraid of the other things that will come to pass, and I don't know if I will ever be able to get over that. For now I will simply try my best, to take it as it comes and be happy.

Nobody can do more than that.

Current Location: Living room floor
Current Mood: blah!

I'm really not one for registering online journals and taking part in discussions, but here I am. Truth be told, I ended up here after a series of random events. I always new that my mind/personality was much more male than female, but had never really gotten into researching it and discussing it untill recently.

I was just google-ing chest binding tips because I was supposed to be portraying a boy in a play, and stumbled across a website belonging to a guy named Kael. I must have stared at his page for hours, it put so much into perspective for me. However I havn't been able to find his site again since.

Then a few months later I tried searching for it again with the intention of e-mailing and asking him a few questions, but I could only find two other ones, and while they did give me alot of good information I would still very much like to find Kael's page again so that I could bookmark it.

And so, after browsing the links listed on one of the other sites I found a link for the livejournal community "ftm". So, naturally I joined livejournal so that I could make use of it and get my questions answered, and so far it has worked fairly well, but no amount of advice from people on the internet can completely help me with my parents and the rest of my relatives. I know they may never fully accept who I am, I can only hope that they remember that inside, I am still their "daughter" and that I love them very much.

Current Mood: calm
Current Music: DJ Ryle